Author: Karen Heinz

There are so many life lessons we learn along the way. One of the hardest is learning how to let go. There comes a time when you just have to say enough is enough. No matter how hard it is you need to realize there is nothing you can do to change a situation and sometimes for your own peace of mind and well being you just need to walk away. 

It’s funny how society sets the tone for things, but lately it seems what used to be protocol in the past has no standing today. Everything is so different, the way people do things, the way you perceive things. I know things change, and the way things are done changes, but at the same time there should be some form of continuity. Some sort of respect to be honest. I feel like I’m rambling, not allowing my true thoughts and emotions out. I feel myself keeping them at bay so I do not hurt those they are intended for. Why am I so worried about hurting someone that hurt me? Why do I even care? It must be the old school in me. The day will come when I’m able to let my true thoughts and feelings out, I will wait till it’s the right time because deep down I still care and do not want to be the one that ruined something for someone else. In the meantime I will try to learn how to let go. 

Father’s Day is quickly approaching. It’s the one day during the year that I can honestly say never really affected me, is it Affected or Effected. Reason being, I grew up without a father in my life.

 Father’s Day of 2020 was the WORSE one ever for me. You see that year, at the age of 62, I found out that the name on my birth certificate was not my biological father. I now had a different name attached to me, a whole new branch on my tree that I knew nothing about. Sadly I still know little about, I’m not even sure which brother is my father, though in my heart I believe I do, getting people to help confirm or deny has been impossible for they want nothing to do with the situation. I possibly have three half siblings, a sister and two brothers. It would have been a great bonus on this journey, but with how they reacted to it all it just added more heartache. I’ll never understand how another human being could deny someone the opportunity to find out who they are. I’m at the point where I want nothing from them, other than the conformation of who I am. That is not too much to ask for!

Now it’s 2024, Father’s Day right around the corner. This year I have such mixed emotions. Not for myself, but instead for my brother Jimmy. He is no longer with us, and we just recently found out that he had a child 52 years ago that he never knew about. My heart breaks for he always wanted to be a dad. I know he would have loved this child with all his might if he only knew of their existence. I hope and pray he is watching down on us and has seen what we have gone through these past few months. If I could send a card to heaven, I would surly mail a “HAPPY FATHER’S DAY” to you.

Maybe next year I’ll get to write my own story of who I am and share things I found out about my birth father, maybe just maybe someone will reach out and tell me they took the test! That would bring so much joy to my heart no matter what the outcome would be.

I need to learn some things just can’t be undone! I have such a desire to have that close knit family that shares in each others highs and lows, they celebrate the good and the bad together. I know others have that, for them I am extremely happy. I just do not know how to fix things any more. I do not know how to make a family, just that, a family! My heart breaks, I wonder do they even realize it, or do only I feel it. I just do not know any more. I need to figure out how to just stop caring, for I fear if I do not do that all I will feel is the broken pieces of my heart. 

If you know me at all, you would know that one of my biggest fears in life is dying. I’m not sure if it’s because not knowing what’s on the other side, having life go on without me, or wondering who I will come back as. We all have our own thoughts and beliefs on death. I sincerely believe that our souls get repurposed. When it leaves our body in time it finds a new one and gets to start a new. I know some think that is a crazy notion, some even think a bit creepy. None the less it is what I believe.  

I found out the other day that someone I know got the news no one ever wants to hear… “4 to 6 weeks”, my heart broke, two days later I still feel the pain, my mind can not get past it, I keep thinking of them, wanting to reach out, wanting to hug them, wanting to let them know I care, I have been thinking non stop of them.  My mind travels back to memories with them, I keep searching for more, I want to remember every moment I had with them. At times I can actually hear laughter we shared, as well as some bickering we had when we were young. We have known each other pretty much since the day they were born, but as usual in life we went separate directions and did not see each other much over the past few decades. When we did manage to get together there were hugs, laughter and some reminiscing. And then off we went not knowing when our paths would cross. Though I did not see them much, I knew what they were up to, how they were doing for I was lucky enough to get updates on their happenings, so much that it made me feel as if we were closer then we actually are. 

Now here we are… “4 to 6 weeks” I pray that god is watching over her, giving her the strength she needs to get through this stage he presented to her. I hope she gets to know how many truly love her, how many hearts are truly breaking. I so wish we could wave our magic wands to fix this. I so wish this was not happening to her and her loved ones. I so wish she never heard those words “4 to 6 weeks”.

I AM PISSED!!! PEOPLE NEED TO WAKE UP! Any parent that send their children to school knowing full well they are waiting on results of a COVID test is causing issues for EVERYONE around them! How dare you put others in danger just because keeping your child at home does not fit your needs! How dare you take no consideration for other people’s children! How dare you think you can just go about your days as if you did nothing wrong! WAKE UP PEOPLE! This thing is not going to go away if you all just do whatever the hell you want to do!

EVERYONE I do not care what your thoughts or beliefs are on the Vaccine, I do not care what your thoughts or beliefs are on wearing masks. This is NOT JUST ABOUT YOU!! It involves EVERY SINGLE PERSON you come in contact with. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM; YOU ARE THE REASON THIS IS NOT GETTING UNDER CONTROL. IF for whatever reason you can’t or won’t wear a mask while in public settings then STAY OUT OF PUBLIC SETTTINGS! NO ONE is taking away your civil rights! WE ARE ALL in this, not just you! WE ARE ALL effected by your choices and your decisions! IF YOU choose not to follow the program then STAY THE HELL HOME!

I am not stupid, I realize how this spreads, I realize many do not even know they are being hit with it. BUT WHEN YOU FULL WELL KNOW you or your family could possibly have it and you are waiting on test results DO NOT PUT THE REST OF US IN YOUR PATH!!!! BE A DECENT HUMAN!!!!!

With much sadness we said goodbye to our dear Ally on Saturday morning. She did it on her own terms and quietly drifted off while no one was watching. She has crossed the rainbow bridge and later that same day we saw a beautiful rainbow that we know in our hearts she sent us to let us know she made it safely. She is now running pain free. Though our hearts are hurting we know it was her time and she needed to go. We hope she found Shadow and Fantasia and the three of them are together. She took a piece of our heart with her, it is amazing how our 4 legged family members manage to allow us to feel love that we never knew was even there. <3

IMHO: IN MY HUMBLE OPINON How sad it is in todays society that people can not express their thoughts or opinions with out getting some form of backlash from those who do not agree with them. What ever happened to the IT OK TO DISSAGREE? Just because someone might not agree with something 100% does not mean they do not respect others beliefs. I am sorry but I would not want to live in a world where EVERYONE has the same thoughts and feelings about things. We need diversity and difference of options. We are ALL human beings, we ALL have our thoughts and beliefs. Just because we may be at opposite ends of things does not make me think any less of you, and I would hope it would not make you think any less of me!

I get it folks… balloon releases are not environmentally safe, and I am sure Bobbie Thomas knows it as well. It is the FIRST fathers day… and this got them through a extremely emotional time. Let’s help those suffering have their moment and when you find a special balloon somewhere it should not be, say a prayer for the person that felt the need to send it and then make sure its disposed up properly. <3

… Or is it perhaps I am just getting that old? Families used to communicate, especially those that no longer live in the same household. They used to talk to each other, check in with each other, know what they were up to. Some may think this to be intrusive, but when its FAMILY it is not. At least IMHO. If you took a trip you let others know so they knew where you were. What if they needed you for something and reached out only to find you were not even currently in the same state? They would have to scramble for a backup plan I guess. A bigger what if… WHAT IF something happened to you and others did not even know you were not in town… I mean really people think about it… you really should let family know when loved ones are out and about. I mean it’s the family thing to do again, IMHO.

Sometimes we really get a slap of reality and realize that ITS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. I have made mention of “DNA” and eventually I do plan on actually posting about that sometime in the future. With Father’s day in a few days my emotions have been really all over the place anticipating having another emotional day as I did last year.  I actually went ahead and made plans to take me out of my situation, get me away to a place where just maybe I would wake up on Sunday and not have yet another nervous breakdown. Welp that is not going to happen for sadly we lost two family members in the past few weeks and both of their services are on Saturday. So rather than thinking of myself I am thinking of both families that lost a loved one and working out the logistics on how to show our respect at both functions. Part of me thinks this is God reaching down and giving me a GIBBS!